To recall is a cold, glassy experience. One made of shame, another made of embarrassment.
I think what strikes me the most comical is perhaps the difference in expectations, how two people can be so different, and what actions those differences lead to. First and foremost is the difference in what was actually given out explicitly. Invitations to be important, gifts without the loan, good times, a rough exterior, and perhaps all in-between. Implicitly it was the respect, the expectation to it at least, equal treatment or thoughts of a shared equality, comradery due to combined struggles, and being massive twat. Specifically, I believe what is most striking is perhaps not the expectation of decency and respect, but lack of it as time went on. The fact that it was something to be given back, but not earned. To be so charitable without ever paying dues or understanding that a dollar in, might equal a dollar out, but what is more important is the thought behind it, not just the act and effort. To act is one thing, to believe is another.
I don’t think I ever believed. I never believed because I saw everything as transactional. The other side acted civil and decent and most likely without ill intent. Mostly and probably just stupid and ignorant before I believed any malice. I never felt the comradery that normal folks do. I believe I had to reciprocate the same way, that I had to act without feeling genuine, that just because someone else did it, I had to as well. I never liked that feeling. The questions I brought up and answers I just defaulted to were not born out of my feelings, but a tacit reasonability of repaying of what has already been served. This was no ones fault, just the nature of how things exist and play out. I think in that sense I believe that deeply rooted difference ultimately played a larger than life hand in framing the relationship. From the beginning of time to the end of time.
Recall bias and hindsight are a bitch for sure. We remember and bring memories up to our minds through the lens of now, and because of that, we might be skewed in our recollection. I think the blanket notion that “this only happened due to that framing” is incorrect and not the statement I am trying to make. I think that is what recall gets across most incorrectly. I want to recall the truth, not what I believe the truth to be.
I can confidently say while time played a huge role, I think that is where it most produced an incorrect notion of what was meant to be genuine, that is all it is. Time. Who are brothers that didn’t serve over time? Who are survivors who fight hardships together? Who are friends that are circumstantial. Time heals all wounds, but time does not connect all people and I think the faux connection that time gives us was entirely felt by me, but enabled and defaulted to by others.